My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
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me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*