My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Mornin
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions