My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
the noise i just made
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works