@UncleDuke1969 Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
@LaLa_Lyds My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
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@UncleDuke1969 
@withanewname Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
@Jenny4ashley Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
@jadedjenny71 
@olerunkbitch Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
@TheRolo Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
@dafloydsta [in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
@MMFlint Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
@beefman138 I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
@TimHaines Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.