My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Basketball
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.