My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
how to have an accident 101
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth