My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
You Might Also Like
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
huge if true: the moon
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”