My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!