My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope