My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I鈥檝e lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won鈥檛 eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
This is the cutest stalk I鈥檝e ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 馃槀
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Looking through 15鈥檚 yearbook:
Me: you鈥檇 crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
馃槖
I guess cinco de mustard didn鈥檛 have the same ring to it
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It鈥檚 a temple to Dionysus
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I鈥檓 as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”