My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
i think my razor is having a panic attack