@marcusthetoken

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

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@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@TheReverendDuke

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

@EllaZee5

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

@myonlymizztake

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@Tmoney68

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.