My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”