My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Dance like you’re not the father
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.