My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers