My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
the three branches of government
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[loses house key, starts a new life]
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I think they could have phrased this better
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Brb my Sims are getting married
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best