My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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Botany good plants lately?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.