My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science