@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

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@Dawn_M_

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

@LurkAtHomeMom

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

@GrantTanaka

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

@Turn2Dude

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.