My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender