My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.