My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My god she’s good.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.