My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Blew out my flip flop…
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Canadian owl: Eh?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.