@LouisNel

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

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@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@OlanDevine

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@Goofpoops

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@Brampersandon_

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

@Wook316

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

@careworn

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

@UNDEADTRESOR

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.