My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway


Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?


Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.


*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon


After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.


If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.


For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.


Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.


If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.