My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
NASA has no chill
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Good Morning.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’