@ElKnuckelhombre

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

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@Senn_Spud

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

@SonOfCha

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

@Tbone7219

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.