My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
#damn
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Bless you
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode