Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.