My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit