My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
#Caturday
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.