My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
me
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*