My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
The symmetry is uncanny.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?