My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long