Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

every. time.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point