@UnFitz Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
@SeesawLicker My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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@UnFitz 
@slender_sherbet Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
@Brianhopecomedy My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
@momsense_ensues 7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
@Cpin42 SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
@weinerdog4life Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
@NotthatAdamWest Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
@meganamram I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
@david8hughes [drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
@ZombieProblms My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.