My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card