My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
👾👾👾
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
welp
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!