My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Best seat on the street 😍
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.