My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.