My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”


“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman


H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.


Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.


Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.


[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”


I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars


-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?