My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
BETRAYAL
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.