My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl


Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.


I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.


If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.


You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.


My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.


uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there


Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.