@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

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@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@ilovepie84

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

@kdn13

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

@grHoss

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@thecassiecao

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.