My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers