My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend