My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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my dog when i have a friend over
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My birth announcement for our third baby
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.