My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
i hate you platonically
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Kidney stones? Hard pass