My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
my mom making me talk to relatives
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”