My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.