My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny