My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.