My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
ACED my prostate exam!
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
HELP 😭