My new favorite headline
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We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The first matador
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”