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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
all bases covered
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again