@FetishBitch

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

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@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

@ShootyDoody

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

@Jayden_Bryce

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

@69underachiever

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

@david8hughes

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@joshgondelman

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

@Jake_Vig

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.