My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Thinking about Jeff
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.