My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.