My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*