My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies