My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
this is uni
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.