My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
What my back needs
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago