My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music