“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.