My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T